By Sophia Levitas-Goren

Mayhaps it relied entirely on who could smile through the most insults thrown at them. Perchance, it was dependent on the social media creativity and how good the thirst traps were. Nonetheless, both Zohran Mamdani and Binston Swongo lost the Grinnell Mayoral election to Sam Cox.

How did this come to pass? Everyone knew that hyper-conservative conspiracy theorist republican candidate Binston Swongo did not have the college students’ votes, as he was the one who hired the evangelists to come to Grinnell and wreak havoc upon the superbly left-leaning students.

But Binston Swongo seemed to lose the support of the townspeople, seeing as Binston Swongo is a billionaire who desired to bulldoze both the Walmart and Dari Barn in an attempt to build a vacation home and a townhouse. The townspeople, therefore, began to realize it was not a left versus right type of issue, but rather a Walmart versus mean, rich person situation. Some still like Trump.

But Zohran Mamdani threw people into a frenzy. Gorgeous, funny, smart, relatable, able-to-grab-a-beer-with, charismatic, a guy you could bring home to your parents, your dog would like him, he’d buy you flowers every week — but I’m getting ahead of myself. The problem with my boyfriend- I mean, democratic socialist candidate Zohran Mamdani is that he actually won the mayorship of New York City, and there’s something in the law or whatever that doesn’t allow you to be mayor of two cities, which is stupid, ‘cause long distance is really, really hard, and he’s super busy with being mayor of New York and stuff, and it’s just really hard on me mentally, you know, not having my boyfriend here — I mean, it’s a very valid law that ensures power is not centralized and we can preserve our semblance of the USA being a democratic republic. Or whatever.

So that left Sam Cox as the most logical choice. I mean, she runs Saint’s Rest like the damn navy, and she can definitely make you a killer iced lavender latte. You’ve seen those art markets they fit into Saint’s Rest; imagine it the size of the damn town. That’s what Sam Cox brings to the table. The gayest damn town you’ve ever damn seen, that’s a damn good campaign. She’ll also follow through on funding for public education and fixing infrastructure and protecting minority groups, and building a castle for Boy George and so on. But I still miss my boyfriend Zohran. But women in power, or something.

So, there you have it. The new gayest era of the USA, but like not really because we are still inching towards fascism, but, like, small steps, right?

Right?