By James Applegate

WASHINGTON, DC—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order that dictates the total consumption of yet another component of the federal government. The target this time is the Supreme Court, which Mr. Trump will be consuming body, blood, soul, and judiciary next Tuesday, thereby obliterating one of the most significant symbolic and physical obstacles to his descent upon America.

The target fell on Chief Justice John Roberts after the Court commanded the federal government to stop deporting anyone with a tattoo, labeling the practice as “deeply troubling”, “definitely unconstitutional”, and “just plain stupid”. The Court included a declaration that it would, in the capacity of its office, personally obstruct Mr. Trump’s rolling across America; POTUS has since been straining against their linked arms, trapped within the Lincoln Memorial, like some bizarre version of Red Rover. 

Some experts had hoped that Mr. Trump would spare the rest of the judiciary and only absorb Roberts, but others, like Patricia Piden, weren’t surprised when it came out that all nine justices would be eaten. Dr. Piden is a thinker at the Her-itage Foundation, a self-described “far-left, radically feminist, critically racial” think tank, and has been expecting this move for quite some time. We were able to speak with Dr. Piden after Mr. Trump rampaged through the press, assimilating them with gumption, and the B&S’s D.C. externs became the only reporters brave and influential enough to enter Washington.

“As soon as Trump absorbed the Department of Education,” Piden tells us, “I knew it was over. I mean, this has been a policy goal for him ever since 2020. But no one believed me, even when he went after the rest of the bureaucracy—who’s laughing now?” No one, Piden. 

In fact, the nation has been caught fast in the grip of a constant scream for the past month, ever since Trump ate Elon Musk and turned Tesla into a cabinet-level department. Across the nation, screaming residents have complained to screaming local government officials about sound ordinances being broken, only for Trump’s massive form to roll over their town and leave nothing behind but dogs and cats (a gesture that right-wing media have described as a “token of goodwill”).

Aides close to Trump attributed the consumptions to Trump’s frustration with the systems of checks and balances and separation of powers. Piden says that Trump was further emboldened when the courts floundered in response to that first order: “They simply didn’t know what to do. There was no precedent, somehow, and as the department was technically still functioning, a lot of the judiciary just threw up their hands. By the time they formulated a response, he had imbibed the Senate and the House of Representatives, and by then it was too late.”

Few can forget the striking moment, live-streamed on C-Span, when Trump burst through the Capitol rotunda and devoured Senators and Representatives, which took place only days after his Cabinet members willfully sublimated into his corpus. Despite the Congresspeople’s old, chewy flesh, Mr. Trump moved through them with relish and ease, spitting out pacemakers, Ozempic pills, and Tesla brain-chips as he went. At that point, with the legislative and bureaucratic powers entirely incorporated into his rapidly swelling form, Trump began digesting old policy and producing new policy at a terrifying pace.

After hearing about the order, the nine Supreme Court justices attempted to book a flight out of the country, but the B&S has heard that they have since been captured by TrumpTSA in the security line and are imprisoned and awaiting their ceremonial communion with Mr. Trump in an undisclosed location.

Piden looks at me sternly. “If you told the Founding Fathers about this, they simply wouldn’t know what to think. The revolution was all about avoiding exactly this sort of situation; they had to take up arms to stop George III from bobbing across the sea and gobbling them up.” 

Through the window, I catch a glimpse of Trump’s great orange face rapidly approaching as his corpulent form bursts through the Lincoln Memorial and hurtles towards Piden’s office window. Seeing my alarm, Piden shakes her head sadly. “The sun won’t rise on a constitutionally balanced America again, I’m afraid.”