By Josh Emrys Payong

READ HALL – On Thursday, September 12th, 2024 A.D., an emergency meeting was held in the Read 1st lounge to discuss the downfall of Main Hall’s rebellious, unaccomplished little sibling. Within the first month of the fall semester, a total of two hundred and seventy one and a quarter complaints were filed against the immature and inconsiderate behavior of a select few residents of Read, with expressed grievances ranging from unwashed dishes to unflushed toilets, from unwiped asses to unorganized shrines of used Rose Toys dedicated to Anne Harris. These complaints have been made public on YikYak. 

Of course, many of these issues were not out of the ordinary for South Campus’ Pregame Central. What was unusual was kept under wraps after the meeting. We’ve been warned to never expose these matters to the masses, unlike the skid marks on many a Grinnellian’s see-through underwear. Despite the warnings, we at the B&S remain steadfast in our pursuit of journalistic integrity. We managed to attend the meeting through a hidden camera resting on private investigator Rupert Boyce’s (‘28) massive right pec.

One discussed matter was of an occult nature. The newly-formed Grinnell Alchemist’s Guild (GAG) was called out for “the brewing of nefarious potions in muggle quarters” – a serious offense punishable by a lifetime ban from Grin City Bakery donuts. Fortunately for them, they got off with a light sentence of a 1-week daily shower mandate, despite concocting such heinous brews as the “Potion of Asscrack Lice,” the “Elixir of Turkey Vulture Romancing,” and “Neon Pink Monkey Balls Mk. IV.” Thankfully, Campus Safety ceased their shenanigans before they were able to produce the treacherous “Tincture of Sobriety,” which held the power to end most Grinnellian weekend traditions. Their Head Alchemist, Grand Phallificus Aelfwynd IV ‘26, also happened to be the CA for the floor. He has earned the added punishment of being the CA on call for both 10/10 and the block party.

Across the hall, another shady group seized control of the lounge. Having recently lost half their territory and surrendering their primary source of revenue (Loose Grilled Cheese) to the South Loggia Gang, the Loose-Read Sophomore Cartel struck an alliance with the South Campus Freshman Mafia. The agreement, proposed by Freshman Mafia consigliere Salvatore Morello ‘28, stipulated that they would share the Read lounge provided that Cartel Lieutenant John Crimeperson ‘25 introduced them to the local suppliers of chicken strips. By using all of the $411 the Mafia received as part of their club budget from the SGA, they plan to either put the Spencer Grill out of business through monopolization of these chicken strips, or force them to lower the prices of their other products. While their motives are noble, their methods are cruel. This agreement meant that non-Cartel members were unable to access the lounge for their presidential debate watch parties. Such acts were not to be permitted under the watchful eye of Campus Safety, who once again came to the rescue in response to the complaints by issuing parking tickets to every Mafia and Cartel member involved—even those without a vehicle.

Perhaps most ominous of the complaints is the Lint Monster, born from an unholy amalgamation of unremoved dryer lint and bodily fluids of an ambiguous variety. Standing at a whopping 4’2”, this Lint Monster prevents any Grinnellian that approaches from washing their monthly load. The Mafia has made arrangements with the East Campus underworld to use their laundry machines instead in exchange for the right to cut into the next line for General Tso’s chicken. Was it really worth it?