By Elke Calhoun

Eyes on the prize, Grinnellians! We have been receiving reports all weekend of students physically malfunctioning due to the sudden influx of foxy MILFs and DILFs on campus for Family Weekend. Perplexed, we spoke to Professor Mawmee from the psychology department, an expert in Freudian phenomena. 

“It’s less to do with the general attractiveness of these parents,” explains Dr. Mawmee condescendingly, “and more to do with the fundamental truth that college students love being treated like itty-bitty babies.”

As Dr. Mawmee describes it, college students—especially Grinnellians—inherently crave a coddle and a cuddle. Yet, they are so deprived on campus that any exposure to mothering can lead to volatile results.

“Someone’s mom held the door for me this weekend,” reports one third-year student, speaking hazily just remembering the encounter, “I think I blacked out for a second, but when I came to, I was lying on the floor, kissing her feet.”

Dr. Mawmee warns students to stay vigilant during this emotionally turbulent weekend. “If these students see anyone that could possibly be perceived as a parental figure in their teeny-weeny state, they will truly stoop to anything to get Mommy’s attention.” 

Mawmee and her colleagues in the Psychology department lend this theory as a possible reason for some of the infantile behavior displayed on campus this weekend: the used tampons in Loose lounge, the temper tantrums in D-hall water lines, and, of course, the Cleveland Pit biting incident. 

Now that Family Weekend is over, and the Mammas and Pappas have retreated to their various corners of the country, the iddle-widdle student body will have to satiate their parental cravings on scraps of affirmation from their professors and smiles from the Cheery Checkers. Let us pray that these few remaining Mommies may sustain us little snotty babies until Fall Break.