By Josh Emrys Payong

 The cracks in the mask that hid DAG’s ambitions for world domination started to show when, on the day of our time-honored Grinnellian tradition of Relays, the “nerds” of the Duels and Games club showered Mac Field with spiked foam balls using homemade trebuchets constructed from the wooden scraps of the bookshelves they stole from all our desks at the beginning of this academic year (fucking bastards).

The victims of the onslaught executed by the tyrants laying claim to the North campus quadrangle attempted to defend themselves by throwing the eggs originally intended for the egg toss event, but found themselves horrified at the sight of (very expensive) albumen drenching the field. The earth ran yellow. Not a shell was left unshattered. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put those breakfasts back together again. Stifling their sorrow, the victims scrambled into their rooms and yielded to the invaders, battered and beaten, poached, and fried over-easy. For better or for worse, DAG has come out of its shell.

Expanding their efforts beyond the grassy plains upon which they waged war, DAG’s first target was D-Hall. Their culinary coup began with the guillotine execution of D-Hall Baby #347, Conrad Duhmb (not to be confused with the late Conrad Dahm ‘26, the man responsible for the Galley Boy incident) to serve as an example to the malnutritioned-white-boy-phobic oligarchy that controls the meals offered in The Marketplace.

“D-Hall talks such a big game about cooking for all these cultures and dietary restrictions…but what about mine? Where’s my Lembas bread? My butterbeer and my chocolate frogs?” asks Albus Arwen ‘27 (knighted ‘Dave’), self-proclaimed 8th class magician and leader of the 6th magic warfare platoon (the group that throws ultra-microwaved hot pockets at passerby while yelling “fireball!”).  “And while we’re at it, why doesn’t the Asian station [we, the B&S, do not condone the use of this label; we believe he is referring to stir fry] offer Ichiraku Ramen? Dattebayo!” Arwen promptly proceeded to shank our on-site journalist with a foam shiv, hardened and sharpened through repeated exposure to a nefarious…fluid, of which there are copious volumes at DAG’s weekly…“get-togethers”. Our journalist is now in septic shock. So much for freedom of press. This is DAG’s America.

Thankfully, her sacrifice gave us justification to beat Arwen up and gain access to DAG’s secret leadership Discord chat, “DAG PC average-sized group”. Listed below are their next targets:

  • Burling Library, which they plan to rename the “Archive of Forbidden Lore”, repurposing it into a repository for Brandon Sanderson novels, Star Wars Lego sets, and sticky Hatsune Miku figurines. Once their archive has been annexed, they will erect a fortress of overturned desks and beanbags, booby-trapping the entrance with strategically placed Magic: The Gathering cards (a blue deck, obviously), and a cursed Alexa programmed to scream riddles in obscure Dwarvish idiom at 120 dB if anyone tries to enter.
  • The Bear Recreation Center, which they intend to monopolize to “strengthen the mind, body, and spirit… in preparation for Ragnarok.” We do not know what their equivalent is for this supposed Twilight of the Gods, but we suppose it has something to do with the retraction of their funding. 
  • Renfrow Ren Faire (this one actually sounds kinda fun)
  • Herrick Chapel, which they intend to take over after declaring themselves as a religious organization (“The Church of the Merciful Matt Mercer”). They will hold eight-hour Sunday services in JRC 101, reenacting entire D&D campaigns as sacred liturgy. Communion will involve drinking “mana potions” (a mix of D-Hall juice and Monster Energy), their holy texts will include Cynwise’s WordPress Warcraft Manual, and the “holy relics” will be custom LoTR-themed dice from Temu. Interfaith students seeking spiritual solace will be recruited into side quests whether they like it or not.

Who knows when their rampage will stop? We, the B&S, will tell you if they have after our three-month hiatus. Good luck!