By Josh Emrys Payong

Still reeling from the betrayal of Colossal Biosciences Inc. after they stole the dire wolves reborn with Boy George’s primordially badass DNA, the Grinnell Biology Department has been scrambling to find ways to revive its own standing in the scientific community. 

Their first successful pursuit was the rebirth of the formerly extinct giant sloth (genus Megatherium) using a mix of genetic material from bone fragments found in Chile and the spit from that one person in front of you in the D-Hall stir fry line who takes their sweet time picking out all the fried egg from the basil pork. Following its reappearance, many academics in the humanities division discovered its intellectual prowess, particularly within the field of metaphysics. 

“If I nap, and thus do not perceive time… am I still in it?” and “Is the leaf truly green, or is green merely the name we give to what we see before we eat it?” are among Arislothle’s most insightful tidbits of wisdom. We recently met him on one of our B&S team-building mudlarking trips in Kington Plaza, where he asked us, “Is it really worth rushing through life when you can just…hang out?” as he dangled from that one tree with all the turkey vultures. Word on the street is that he’s on a tenure track in the Philosophy department.

The Biology department also attempted to revive an “Aerodactyl” with an “old amber”—a “reference you’d get if you had a childhood in the early 2000’s”, says intended Biology major Asch Mustardum ‘28, who was born in 2007—only to realize that the “amber” was a glob of earwax and semen. Needless to say, that experiment was a bust. Deciding to go through with the revival process anyways, they grew a new species of Cum Imp that you can visit in the greenhouse.

Hoping to salvage their reputation after such an oversight, the Biology department decided to stay closer to home by bringing back the Neanderthal, hoping to integrate them into Grinnellian culture, thus making Grinnell the second multispecies college in the United States and third in the world. Contrary to expert predictions, the Neanderthals were able to fit into Grinnell surprisingly well—and not only at functions hosted by sports teams. In fact, they soon became involved in almost every aspect of student life. Sylvia Rockth ’28, one of these Neanderthals, started a spoken word club for poetry exclusively expressed in grunts in iambic pentameter. Another, Vincent van Grog ‘28, has declared an independent double major in Psychologically Complex Cave Paintings and Crying in Sunflower Fields.

Recently, one Biology major—who shall remain anonymous—single-handedly beat Colossal in the race to bring back the woolly mammoth, citing her “undying fiery love for Manny the Mammoth” from Ice Age (2002), Ice Age: The Meltdown (2006), Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009), Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), and Ice Age: Collision Course (2016), as well as her many fanfictions, including (but absolutely not limited to) Pleistocene Passion: A Love 10,000 Years in the Making (2025), Breaking the Ice (and the Bed) (2025), Ice Age: Continental Dick (2025), Wool You Be Mine? (2024), Man(ny) Down (2025), and Trample Me, Manny (2025). God knows what would’ve happened if this student had succeeded in going through with her hyperfixation on COVID-19 thirst traps last year. 

We wish you the best, Manny. What a rough world you’ve been born into.